Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
