fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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