I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Randomize
