so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
