Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
