It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
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i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
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Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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