u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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