you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My pussy is not your playground.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
