we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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