Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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