Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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