They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
