I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
