hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
