No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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