My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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