you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
