Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
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