I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They took my balls.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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