How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
