I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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