I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
