Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
