Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
