My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
