I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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