What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
