i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dignity is for republicans.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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