Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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