Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
