and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
