ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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