it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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