The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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