I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
