OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
