my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
