I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
