: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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