I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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