I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I am midnight drunk by noon
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
