The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
