on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
