Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
