Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
