I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
