i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
