Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
why do cheetos always look like penises
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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