it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
