I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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