There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
