Well douche your snatch and let's go!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
