I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
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Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
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Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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