guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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