wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
