apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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