i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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