Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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