my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize